Irs Funny When You Talk Shit About Me Its Even More Comical When You Think I Dont Know

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Jordan Belfort: Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.

Jordan Belfort: My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.

Jordan Belfort: Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.

Brad: You want me to sell you this fucking pen?

Jordan Belfort: That's my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.

Brad: Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.

Jordan Belfort: I don't have a pen.

Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.

Jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!

Jordan Belfort: Why?

Donnie Azoff: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.

Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the n-word.

Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the n-word?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my absolute favorite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to conquer the world. And eviscerate your enemies.

[Sniffs cocaine]

Jordan Belfort: And I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.

[Shows 100$]

Mark Hanna: The name of the game, moving the money from the client's pocket to your pocket.

Jordan Belfort: But if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna: No.

Max Belfort: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. Huh?

Jordan Belfort: They're business expenses.

Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!

Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.

Nicky Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.

Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.

[to Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides... Tell him about the sides.

Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, so...

Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?

Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.

Jordan Belfort: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!

Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.

Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?

Jordan Belfort: What? Do I jerk off? Yeah. Yeah, I jerk off. Yeah.

Mark Hanna: How many times a week?

Jordan Belfort: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.

Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.

Jordan Belfort: Wow.

Mark Hanna: Once in the morning, right after I work out. And then once right after lunch.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Mark Hanna: I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it cause I fuckin' need to.

Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.

Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?

Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

Jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.

Mark Hanna: It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort: Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!

Jordan Belfort: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.

Donnie Azoff: Shit with me?

Jordan Belfort: You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.

Donnie Azoff: What do they say?

Jordan Belfort: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...

Donnie Azoff: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.

Jordan Belfort: You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...

Jordan Belfort: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.

Jordan Belfort: Mhm.

Donnie Azoff: It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?

Jordan Belfort: No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...

Donnie Azoff: What, if the kid's retarded?

Jordan Belfort: Yeah.

Donnie Azoff: No, we have two kids.

Jordan Belfort: And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?

Donnie Azoff: No, they're not retarded or anything like that...

Jordan Belfort: But there's a big chance, right? The whole...

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...

Jordan Belfort: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...

Jordan Belfort: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?

Donnie Azoff: Well, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?

Jordan Belfort: [narrating to the camera] An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. It's the first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...

[stops and chuckles]

Jordan Belfort: Look, I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

Donnie Azoff: I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.

Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?

Jordan Belfort: $70,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: Get the fuck outta here!

Jordan Belfort: Well, technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.

[later, on the phone]

Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey, listen, I quit!

Jordan Belfort: The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort: This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on!

[quoting Norma Rae]

Jordan Belfort: They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!

Jordan Belfort: [dubious] S-so if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.

Dwayne: If you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free

[Jordan laughs]

Dwayne: ... and I hope it happens.

[both laugh]

Jordan Belfort: [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.

Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!

Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.

Naomi Lapaglia: [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.

Patrick Denham: Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust, they're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... You, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.

Jordan Belfort: Did I?

Patrick Denham: Good for you, little man.

Jordan Belfort: Little man?

[laughs]

Jordan Belfort: Me, the little man?

Patrick Denham: Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.

Jordan Belfort: I bet it is.

Patrick Denham: And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The fucking hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this fucking boat. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.

Jordan Belfort: [laughing] All right, get the fuck off my boat.

Patrick Denham: I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan Belfort: I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly fucking wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort: See those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.

Jordan Belfort: My wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah. She was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.

Donnie Azoff: I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.

Brad: You gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.

Donnie Azoff: You're gonna give me a pass?

Brad: Look, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...

Donnie Azoff: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!

Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.

Brad: You'll give me a call?

Donnie Azoff: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.

Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!

Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Donnie Azoff: Jordan, it's fucking good, right? It's fucked up.

[laughing hysterically]

Jordan Belfort: GET OFF THE PHONE! GET OFF THE PHONE! FBI!

[swipes at Donnie]

Donnie Azoff: Hey! I'm on the phone!

Jordan Belfort: Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.

Jordan Belfort: [when asked who is Captain Ahab] The book, motherfucker, the book!

Jordan Belfort: You wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall street. "Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole." I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenaline.

Mark Hanna: So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and now it's at 16 and he's all fucking happy, he wants to cash in and liquidate, take his fucking money and run home, you don't let him do that... 'cause that would make it real.

Naomi Lapaglia: Wake up, you piece of shit! Who's Venice?

Jordan Belfort: Who?

Naomi Lapaglia: Huh?

Jordan Belfort: Who? Who?

Naomi Lapaglia: Who? What are you, a fucking owl? Who is she? Some little hooker you were fucking last night?

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you talking about? No. No way, baby, no!

Naomi Lapaglia: You were calling her name in your sleep!

Jordan Belfort: Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't even know who Venice is. What the fuck does that even mean? Venice. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life!

[after flashback of sex with Venice]

Jordan Belfort: That's right. That's right, I forgot. Donnie and I were investing in a condominium complex in Venice. That's why all this confusion.

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, you're investing in Italy?

Jordan Belfort: Not Italy. California, baby!

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, California? You're a lying piece of shit!

Jordan Belfort: Duchess, baby, come on!

Naomi Lapaglia: Don't you fucking Duchess me! Don't you Duchess me! Do you really think that I don't know what you're up to? You're a father now, Jordan.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah! I know.

Naomi Lapaglia: You're a father now. And you're still acting like an infant!

[throws water in his face]

Jordan Belfort: FUCK! GODDAMN IT! Baby, you know you got real anger issues.

Naomi Lapaglia: Who is the one who flew in here at 3:00 in the morning on their stupid helicopter and woke up Skylar? That was you! Doesn't even matter to you! Does it even matter to you that I just had that driving range sodded with Bermuda grass, Jordan, and now you fucking wrecked it!

Jordan Belfort: Oh, Bermuda grass.

Naomi Lapaglia: No, you didn't research the whole thing and deal with the fucking golf course people!

Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the gold course people, too! What a Greek tragedy honey! Oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden! And actually do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day, huh? Because I can't keep track of your professions, honey. Last month you were a wine connoisseur, now you're an aspiring landscape architect. Let me get that right.

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort: Don't fucking dare throw that fucking water at me. Don't you fucking dare.

Max Belfort: Jordy, one of these days the chickens are gonna come home to roost.

Jordan Belfort: You're lookin' at me like I'm crazy.

Max Belfort: Crazy? This is obscene!

Jordan Belfort: [voice over] It was obscene, in the normal world. I mean, who the fuck wanted to live there?

Donnie Azoff: [peeing on his subpoena] Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you, U.S.A. Fuck you! Fuck you!

[last lines]

Jordan Belfort: I'm not ashamed to admit it: my first time in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a world where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?

Naomi Lapaglia: I want a divorce.

Jordan Belfort: What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?

Naomi Lapaglia: Get off me! I want a divorce. Get off.

Jordan Belfort: You just made love to me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Naomi Lapaglia: I don't love you anymore, Jordan!

Jordan Belfort: Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just fucking convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't fucking love me anymore. Is that right?

Naomi Lapaglia: No, no.

Jordan Belfort: What kind of person are you? Tell me.

Naomi Lapaglia: You married me!

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Naomi Lapaglia: Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.

Jordan Belfort: Oh my God.

Naomi Lapaglia: It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.

Jordan Belfort: You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?

Naomi Lapaglia: I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.

Jordan Belfort: I got news for you. You're not fucking taking my children you vicious fucking cunt, you!

[Naomi slaps Jordan and he slaps her back]

Jordan Belfort: Fuck you! You fucking bitch! You're not fucking taking my goddamn fucking kids! You hear me? Fuck you! You're not fucking taking my fucking kids! Fucking whore.

Naomi Lapaglia: [Sees Jordan snorting cocaine] Look at yourself, Jordan. You're sick! You're a sick man!

Jordan Belfort: Fuck you! I told you, you're not taking my fucking kids.

Naomi Lapaglia: You think I would let my kids near you? Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan! Twenty fucking years! You're never gonna see the kids again! No, I'm not fucking letting you near my kids!

Jordan Belfort: You don't think I'm gonna see my fucking kids again, huh?

Jordan Belfort: Hello, John. How are you doing today? You mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside risk. Does that ring a bell?

John: Yeah, I may have sent something.

Jordan Belfort: Okay, great. The reason for the call today, John, is something just came across my desk, John. It is perhaps the best thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with you. You got a minute?

John: Actually, I'm really very...

Jordan Belfort: The name of the company, Aerotyne International. It is a cutting edge high-tech firm out of the Midwest, awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And by the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $6,000 investment could be upwards of $60,000!

John: Jesus! That's my mortgage, man.

Jordan Belfort: Exactly. You could pay off your mortgage.

John: This stock will pay off my house?

Jordan Belfort: John, one thing I can promise you, even in this market, is that I never ask my clients to judge me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers, because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical factor out there, John, we are looking at a grand slam home run.

John: Okay, let's do it. I'll do four grand.

Jordan Belfort: $4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that trade right now and get back to you with my secretary with an exact confirmation. Sound good, John?

John: Yeah, sounds good.

Jordan Belfort: Great. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Center.

Mark Hanna: Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or if you're Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You know what a fugazi is?

Jordan Belfort: Fugayzi, it's a fake.

Mark Hanna: Fugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's never landed. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not fucking real.

Jordan Belfort: After 15 years in storage, the lemmons had developed a delayed fuse. It took 90 minutes for these fuckers to kick in but once they did, *pow.* And I had skipped the tingle phase and jumped straight to the drool phase. These little bastards were so strong I had discovered a whole new phase. The Cerebral Palsy phase.

Max Belfort: [hears a phone] Who the fuck has the goddamn gall to call this house on a Tuesday night? God damn it!

Leah Belfort: [watching TV] You're gonna miss it!

Max Belfort: Tell me something I don't know, I wait all week for the fucking Equalizer and they have to fucking...

[picks up the phone, then calmly, in a transatlantic accent]

Max Belfort: Hello?... Jean? How are you, Jean?... Righto, Jean, that'll be great... Cheerio!

[Hangs up. Explodes]

Max Belfort: Fucking half-wit!

Leah Belfort: You missed it!

Max Belfort: [Furious] God damn it!

Jordan Belfort: Even though I own 85% of Steve Cocksucking Motherfucking Madden Shoes, the shares were in his fucking name!

Patrick Denham: I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan Belfort: I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly fuckin' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort: [Furious about newspaper article] That conniving twat! Look at this! The wolf of Wall Street they call me! Look!

Teresa Petrillo: There is no such thing as bad publicity. Your hair looks good.

Jordan Belfort: Every person around here, they want to get rich and they want to get rich quickly. They all want something for nothing.

Alden Kupferberg: There was this one time I was selling pot to this Amish dude. You know those guys who got like the beard with, like, no mustache or some bullshit? Well, he says that he only wants to make furniture.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): I don't understand

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you talking about?

Alden Kupferberg: I'm not putting words in your mouth or nothing, but you just said that everybody wants to get rich.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): Holy fuck, you did just say that.

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you talking about?

Alden Kupferberg: Yeah, like Buddhists. They don't give a shit about money. They're wrapped in sheets. They're not buying shit.

Jordan Belfort: I'm not talking about Buddhists or Amish. I'm talking about normal people, working-class everyday people. Everyone wants to get rich. Am I crazy?

Chester Ming: There's no such thing as an Amish Buddhist. I'm pretty fucking sure.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): There could be.

Jordan Belfort: Do you guys not want to make money?

Alden Kupferberg: [All at once] I want to make money.

Mark Hanna: You jerk off?

Jordan Belfort: Do I... Do I I jerk off? Yeah, yeah I jerk off. Yeah.

Mark Hanna: How many times a week?

Jordan Belfort: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.

Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.

Jordan Belfort: Wow.

Mark Hanna: Once in the morning, right after I work out, then once right after lunch.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Mark Hanna: I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it 'cause I fucking *need* to. Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, high frequencies. Bang, bang, bang.

[imitates squeaking]

Mark Hanna: fucking digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard shit. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Right? You gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt.

Jordan Belfort: Done.

Mark Hanna: This is not a tip, this is a prescription. Trust me. If you don't, you will fall out of balance, split your differential and tip the fuck over. Or worse yet, I've seen this happen, implode.

Jordan Belfort: No, I don't wanna implode, sir.

Mark Hanna: No. No, you don't.

Jordan Belfort: I'm in this for the long run, you know?

Mark Hanna: Implosions are ugly. Pop off to the bathroom, work one out any time you can. When you get really good at it, you'll fucking be stroking and you'll be thinking about money.

[first lines, in an advertisement]

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Aunt Emma: Risk is what keeps us young, isn't it, darling?

Jordan Belfort: [on getting arrested] I'm sober for two years, stopped my drugs, settled down with my wife and kids, and then this happens! Rugrat gets busted down in Miami, and guess who happens to be with him? Saurel! That's right, out of all the Swiss bankers in Miami, it had to be him! Even more fucked, is that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Some stuff about running drugs with Rocky Aoki, you know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would You be so cruel as to use the king of Japanese restaurants to take me down?

Brad: [Donnie haphazardly gets out from car] Put the fucking car in the park, you dumb fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: [slurred speech] I can't... I can't close this briefcase.

Brad: One fucking day. One fucking day, you couldn't keep it together?

Donnie Azoff: I'm fucked up, Brad. Fucked up.

Brad: Gotta be fucking kidding me.

Donnie Azoff: [stands up tall, smiling] It's a joke!

Brad: It's a joke?

Donnie Azoff: I'm sober.

Brad: Jesus fucking Christ!

Jordan Belfort: [after shipwreck] The nice thing about being rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.

Donnie Azoff: I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell!

Jordan Belfort: Give me a kiss, sweetheart.

Naomi Lapaglia: Jordan.

Jordan Belfort: Oh come on, baby. I haven't made love to you in so long.

Naomi Lapaglia: No.

Jordan Belfort: Please.

Naomi Lapaglia: Jordan, stop it.

[Jordan continues kissing her]

Naomi Lapaglia: No! Jordan, stop it!

Jordan Belfort: [flashes to Jordan having sex with Naomi] I love you so much.

Naomi Lapaglia: I fucking hate you, Jordan! Get off me!

Jordan Belfort: No, baby. Don't do that. You know how much I love you, right? Stop that sweetie, please?

Naomi Lapaglia: [pauses] You wanna fuck me, Jordan? You wanna fuck me? Good. Go at it. Go ahead and fuck me. I want you to fuck me real hard. I want you to fuck me like it's the last fucking time. Come on.

Jordan Belfort: Babe, why you doing it like that?

Naomi Lapaglia: Because I want you to come for me, baby.

Jordan Belfort: Come on, baby.

Naomi Lapaglia: Come for me, baby. I want you to come for me like it's the last fucking time.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah! Come on, baby. Come for me. Come on, baby.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah? Want me to come for you?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.

[Jordan forcefully finishes]

Jordan Belfort: Oh God! Oh!

[laughing]

Jordan Belfort: Oh baby. That was so fucking great.

Naomi Lapaglia: That was the last time.

Jordan Belfort: What do you mean, baby?

Naomi Lapaglia: I mean that was the last time we ever have sex.

Mark Hanna: We don't start dialing at 9:30, because our clients are already answering the phone! 3... 2... 1, let's fuck!

Jordan Belfort: The Quaalude, or lude, as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor - that's dots, not feathers - as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just fifteen minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing ludes, of course, and in 1982 the U.S. government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.

Donnie Azoff: You're a fucking pill dealer. I got five more just like you, bro.

Brad: Keep talking, you fucking piece of shit!

Donnie Azoff: And you know what else? You dress like shit, so fuck you!

Brad: Fucking motherfucker!

[knocks Donnie unconscious]

Jordan Belfort: Oh! Jesus!

Brad: How about that, faggot? Who's a faggot?

Jordan Belfort: [checks on Donnie] You okay? Hey, pal.

Jordan Belfort: Look, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took five years to finish high school. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved China man, thought jujitsu was in Israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to law school. I called him Rugrat because of his piece of shit hairpiece. Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.

Jordan Belfort: Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?

Mark Hanna: How the fuck else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

Jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of fucking America!

Jordan Belfort: [narration] Say what you will, but the Duchess did have style. She brought in a decorator, feng shui'd the whole place. She even hired a gay butler. This guy was smart, sophisticated, professional. Really, really great. Except for that one time.

Naomi Lapaglia: [Naomi walks in on a gay orgy] Oh my God!

Nicholas the Butler: Oh, hey. Is it Wednesday already? Uh, what the fuck! That is fucked up!

Naomi Lapaglia: [to Jordan after the incident] He must have thought we were still at the Hamptons this weekend, you know.

Jordan Belfort: Right, right. Where were they doing it, sweetheart? In the bedroom?

Naomi Lapaglia: They were everywhere! There were two guys over there on the table. There were more over here. There were four right here.

Jordan Belfort: Ugh! Are you fucking serious? Right there? Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart?

Naomi Lapaglia: Baby, it gets worse. After they left I checked the apartment.

Chester Ming: I can sell anything. Shit, I can sell lubes to a convent full of nuns, get 'em so horny they'll be fucking each other in the coffers.

Donnie Azoff: [raves at Brad] You're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, not you!

Jordan Belfort: He's got a gun, you fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: Fuck his gun!

Jordan Belfort: [Sees a young broker cleaning his fishbowl] What the fuck is that kid doing? What's he doing?

Donnie Azoff: The biggest IPO in this firm's history, what the fuck is he doing?

Janet (Jordan's Assistant): Is he... is he wearing a bowtie?

Donnie Azoff: [Approaches the guy] Hi, how you doing?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: [timid] Good.

Donnie Azoff: You cleaning your fishbowl?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I just, I had a minute and I...

Donnie Azoff: You had a minute? And today, you needed to clean your fishbowl, today?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I finished my paperwork and I was, just had a couple minutes.

Donnie Azoff: Okay, nice to meet you.

[Pretends to walk away, but suddenly turns back]

Donnie Azoff: On new issue day? On cocksucking, motherfucking new issue day? This is what you do? Hey, everybody, listen up! This is what happens when you fuck with your pets on new issue day!

[Dangles the fish from the bowl by its tail and swallows it]

Donnie Azoff: Take your little bowtie... Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my office. You understand?

Jordan Belfort: Get the fuck out!

Donnie Azoff: Everybody on point! We are here to make money! Everybody on point!

Jordan Belfort: A real wolf pit, which is exactly how I liked it.

Jordan Belfort: Her pussy was like heroin to me. And it wasn't just about the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I mean, we had similar interests and shit.

Jordan Belfort: And in the case of the telephone, it's up to each and every one of you, my highly-trained Strattonites. My killers, my killers who will not take no for an answer. My fucking warriors, who will not hang up the phone until their client either buys *or fucking dies!*

Jordan Belfort: You be ferocious! You be relentless! You be telephone fucking terrorists! Now let's knock this motherfucker out of the park!

Donnie Azoff: [masturbates to Naomi] Perfect...

Hildy Azoff: Donnie, what the fuck are you doing, you piece of shit?

[beats down Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: [to Naomi] You have to excuse my friend.

Naomi Lapaglia: Good morning, daddy. Where's my kiss?

Jordan Belfort: Hey, sweetheart! Does daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls, huh?

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh no. No, daddy doesn't even get to touch mommy for a very, very, very long time.

Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room. He didn't mean any of it.

Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on, it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. In fact, she's decided to throw them all away.

[opens legs]

Naomi Lapaglia: So take a good look, daddy. You're gonna be seeing an awful lot of this around the house.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, baby. Yeah mommy.

Naomi Lapaglia: But no touching.

Jordan Belfort: Ow.

Naomi Lapaglia: What's wrong, daddy?

Jordan Belfort: Mmm, baby. Okay, mommy likes to play games with daddy. Mommy, have you ever noticed anything odd about Mr. Fuzzy Bear over there? His eyes seem to be a little bit odd, don't they? Yeah, there's something a little bit different about his eyes. Yes, I think it's true. Say hi, mommy!

[waves to security camera]

Jordan Belfort: Say hi to Rocco and Rocco! Say hi! Hi, fellas!

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort: [narration] Of all the fucking days, she chooses today to give me blue balls.

Jordan Belfort: FYI boys, Danielle has promised to use this $10,000 for breast implants. She's already got C-cups, but now she wants FUCKIN' DOUBLE D'S!

Jordan Belfort: I felt horrible. Three days later, I filed for a divorce and moved Naomi into the apartment.

Jordan Belfort: I'm not ashamed to admit it. When we arrived to prison, I was absolutely terrified. But I needn't have been. See, for a brief fleeting moment, I'd forgotten I was rich and I lived in a place where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to learn how to sell it?

Mark Hanna: Second key to success in this racket is this little baby right here. It's called cocaine. It'll keep you sharp between the ears. It'll also help your fingers dial faster. And guess what? That's good for me.

Mark Hanna: [reacting to market crash] Holy... fucking... shit...

Jordan Belfort: [offers pen to Chester] You can sell anything? Sell that. Sell me that pen.

Chester Ming: Can I finish eating first? I haven't eaten all day.

Jordan Belfort: 25 grand to the first cocksucker to nail the bulls-eye!

Jordan Belfort: And if anyone here thinks I'm superficial or materialistic, go get a job at fucking McDonald's, 'cause that's where you fucking belong!

Jordan Belfort: [in narration] So I was sellin' them shit, but the way I looked at it, the money was better off in my pocket.

Mark Hanna: We don't give two shits about how technology works, 'cause all we care about is getting fucking RICH!

Jordan Belfort: But before you depart this room full of winners, I want you to take a good look at the person next to you. Go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you're gonna be pulling up at a red light, in your beat-up old fucking Pinto, and that person's gonna be pulling up right alongside you in their brand new Porsche. With their beautiful wife by their side, who's got big voluptuous tits. And who're you gonna be sitting next to? Some disgusting wildebeest with three days of razor-stubble, in a sleeveless muumuu, crammed in next to you in a carload full of groceries from the fucking Price Club. That's who you're gonna be sitting next to!

Jordan Belfort: Babe, I spoke to the lawyers again today. I have some really, really great news. Turns out you're completely off the hook, honey.

Naomi Lapaglia: I know that already.

Jordan Belfort: Right! Exactly. In fact, you never did anything wrong in the first place. Turns out all the FBI really wants from me is to cooperate. You know? Turns out I have so much information about the stock market and Wall Street I can save the government years of heartache. Not to mention countless dollars.

Naomi Lapaglia: Mhmm.

Jordan Belfort: But it gets even better, baby. Because if I do decide to cooperate I might only looking at four short years. In which case, you know, we could start fresh. Maybe sell the house. And any fines that I have to pay wouldn't be due until after I've served my term, so we'd still have plenty of money leftover.

Naomi Lapaglia: Mhmm.

Jordan Belfort: The only thing that of course bummed me out a little bit about this whole idea is having to give information about my friends.

Naomi Lapaglia: Well, like you said there's no friends on Wall Street. Right?

Jordan Belfort: Right! Right, exactly. So there's a silver lining to that too, honey. Because they said eventually everyone's going to have to give information on this case so at the end of the day it might not even be a factor.

Naomi Lapaglia: Well that's good news. right?

Jordan Belfort: Yeah! Yeah.

Naomi Lapaglia: I'm really happy for you.

Jordan Belfort: What do you mean happy for me? Sweetheart, you should be happy for the both of us. Right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. Right.

Jordan Belfort: Even more fucked was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me. Something about laundering drug money through offshore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki, you know the founder of Benihanna. Benihanna, Beni fucking hanna. Beni fucking hanna!. Why why why god, why would you be so cruel as to choose a chain of fucking hibachi restaurants to take me down!

Jordan Belfort: Gentlemen, welcome to Stratton Oakmont. You snooks will now be targeting the wealthiest 1% of Americans. We're talking about whales here, Moby fucking Dicks. And with this script, which is your new harpoon, I'm gonna teach each and every one of you to be Captain fucking Ahab.

Jordan Belfort: It was a madhouse, a greed fest, with equal parts cocaine, testosterone, and body fluids. It got so bad, I had to declare the office a fuck-free zone between the hours of 9 and 7.

Jordan Belfort: What we're gonna do is this: first we pitch 'em Disney, AT&T, IBM, blue chip stocks exclusive. Companies these people know. Once we sucker them in, we unload the dog shit.

Jordan Belfort: Money doesn't just buy you a better life - better food, better cars, better pussy - it also makes you a better person. You can give generously to the church or political party of your choice. You can save the fucking spotted owl with money.

Jordan Belfort: You know, every time someone rises up in this world, there's always gonna be some asshole trying to drag 'em down.

Jordan Belfort: Actually, the madness started on our very first day, when one of our brokers, Ben Jenner, christened the elevator by getting a blow job from the sales assistant. Her name was Pam and to her credit, she did have this amazing technique with this wild twisting jerk motion. About a month later, Donnie and I decided to double team her on a Saturday afternoon while our wives were out shopping for Christmas presents. Eventually Ben married her, which was pretty amazing, considering she blew every single guy in the office. Well, he got depressed and killed himself about three years later.

Jordan Belfort: This is our golden ticket to the fuckin' Chocolate Factory, right here. And I wanna meet Willy fuckin' Wonka, okay? I wanna be with the fuckin' Oompa Loompas!

Jordan Belfort: It turned out the British weren't too different from the Swiss. Money talks and bullshit takes the bus.

Jordan Belfort: Of course, after the bachelor party, me, the Duke, needed a few penicillin shots so he could safely consummate the marriage.

Jordan Belfort: So, Bay Ridge, that's near Staten Island, right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Brooklyn. Across the Verrazano's Bridge.

Jordan Belfort: Saturday Night Fever territory.

Naomi Lapaglia: That's right! Guinea Gulch. We call the Verrazano's Bridge the Guinea Gangplank.

Jordan Belfort: So, I presume you're Italian.

Naomi Lapaglia: On my Dad's side. I'm also Dutch, German, English. I'm a mutt.

Jordan Belfort: You're a mutt.

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. I still have family over there, though. In London. My Aunt Emma. She's the best. Very British, you know. She's a classy lady.

Jordan Belfort: That explains it then.

Naomi Lapaglia: Explains what?

Jordan Belfort: Explains you. I mean, you're a duchess right, the Duchess of Bay Ridge.

Manny Riskin: Listen to me, if you piss up the SEC's leg, you end up with your tits in a wringer.

Bo Dietl: He's a Boy Scout! He thinks you're fuckin' Gordon Gekko.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0993846/quotes/qt2087436

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